WARRI PALAVA: You Go Laff Tire - EPISODE 13 [BY: HYPERGIG]

My ogas at the top, how today be for your side? Today market sweet? We thank the Lord. Here is the continuation of your MOST LOVED COMEDY JOINT. The story just dey sweet day by day. Hit --->> HERE for previous episodes.

Welcome to the 13th episode:

They searched endlessly for a tire but couldn't get one, then I eased my self up, since they couldn't find a tire that means they have no means of burning me, but before I could say HALLELUYAH to God for making a wrecked up tire such a rare thing to find, someone raised up his filthy hands and said he has a tire to donate. You should have seen the tire, it wasn't the regular wheels on mini cars, na dangote tire he donate sey make dem use burn me, and a new one for that matter, with the wrapper and all still intact. About five hefty men from the crowd pulled the huge tire towards me.

It was towards the end of the subsidy protest, so petrol was pretty scarce back then so they opted for diesel, I even tried to convince them that diesel won't do a perfect job of burning me due to my coarse skin, they should instead lemme go never to come back again, but they insisted on making a french toast out of me. Then a fierce looking woman donated the match box with which they were gonna light up my dear life, but something just surged up in my brain, an idea came up, the sort with mathematical precision and accuracy.

I asked for one last wish and they thought it's wise to grant me my wish. I called on the man who owned the heavy duty tire and gave out a soft laugh right up to his face, I told him how silly he was to have donated a fibre laced tire of enormous money, i relied heavily on my sugar coated tongue to twist and twirl his mind, I asked him if he knew the market value of what he was about giving out, he replied in the positive and before he could finish his statement I cut him short mid way, I told him about the intended plan of the Federal Govt to place a ban on the importation of tires and told him that this will lead to a high demand in tires and a high asking price also.

He bit his index finger and said:
"Chai so na money I won throw away?"

He told them he was no longer interested in donating his XXL tire and the dumb mob felt disappointed and I felt happy, (why waste such a big tire on me?) As for the chap who donated the diesel, I just told him that since we were in the subsidy period it was advisable he kept the meagre amount of diesel he had and not waste it on me, he backed out also. Warri has taught me how to use my with and now have outwitted a preferential part of the mob, they later decided to let me go in the spirit of the subsidy era and warned me not to fuck up again.

Kinda escaped death by the whiskers there, the immense sweat that accrued itself while I was under the duress of getting burned eased itself and my thermo scale dropped and I became cool once more. They freed me and like a lost soul I wandered about as usual like a compass with no bearing, I was exhausted so I could only drag my feet on the dry and dusty road. The angry mob had drained my energy and I had become thirsty and hungry.

It was getting dim and dark, and I could see a long queue awkwardly positioned on the side of the road, most of them were showing off their skins and then the thought occurred to me; they were prostitutes or better still night crawlers, and guys were even among them (so man sef dey do ashawo work? Tufiakpa!!! God forbid bad thing) I started raining curses on them all, particularly the young chaps among them. While I was busy cursing and raining insult on them, an idea just popped up in my bald brain, and I said to myself:
Why not be an ashawo for a day?

I seriously thought of the idea of being a skin vendor for a night and also the prickly insult I had poured on them, but since I was left with no choice I thought it best to be an ashawo for that night and make a quick earning.

I joined the long queue and waited patiently for a customer to call me,but after waiting for almost three hours i was starting to get tired and really pissed off, others in the queue had been called and there I was standing pitiful with tears about to roll down from my moist eyes. I was the fat sort with a desert encroachment invading my head, so who go won fuck me, all the others had seen one or two customers but i was still the only one standing with no one to call me. Na then i know say I no fine at all, coz if I fine I for don see customer call me ASAP. While hoping and praying that someone calls me, a eighty year old lady with no molars and pre-molars walked up to me and gave me a pat on the back, I thought she wanted me to excuse her coz I was blocking her path or something else but instead she asked me how much I would take for a night out with her, na then I know sey ashawo no be work.

She was older than my great grand mother and her skin were all frail and saggy, if I should have intercourse with this fragile thing even the gods would be angry with me. Na die be this oh. How I go nail this kind person? The old and fragile lady insisted that I name a price but my conscience wouldn't nail her coz if I were doing it and she passed out, wetin I go talk sey happen?

So I had to let the thought flee off.....................thank God they didn't make Warri the federal capital territory coz if it had been the capital territory, things for don spoil.

...to be continued!

Stay glued for more and please drop your comments.

Written by: OLADEJO MAYOWA MOSHOOD {HYPERGIG}
Ff him on twitter - @lilemir

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