WARRI PALAVA: You Go Laff Tire - EPISODE 1 [By: HYPERGIG]

Guyz, how far na? All my Warri people, AREA!!! Warri people no dey carry last, patapata na draw. Yeske! You people aff enjoyed reading LOVE STORIES, and of recent you dey enjoy CRIME/RAPE STORY written by my stiticulate Yele. You are currently enjoying THE TRUE LIFE STORY OF AN ORPHAN wriiten by my Oga of highest value, Husband Material. Oya, it is time for your ribs to be cracked.

With all pleasure and honor, I present to you one of the craziest writers I've ever met in my life. This guy is one hell of a comic writer. Please, welcome with me to The CHNG Blog, 'HYPERGIG'. This his story will make you laff hen....don't lemme talk too much. As I've always told you; I am here to make your online experience a Melodious, Wonderful, Rhythmic and Great one. So, Sit back, Feel at home, Be free, Relax and Enjoy!!!.

Welcome to Episode 1:

Though I was the crusty sort with no means of livelihood and no job, but I was still the chubby kind with loose flesh padded all over my body and sagging flesh overlapping my neck,u go think sey I be butter but am far from that, na disposable spoon dey born me with and not the silver sort. In a nutshell i wasn't born with a silver spoon.

Seeing me for the first time you would take me for a rich dude and probably the Chief Executive Officer of a top notch oil company, but in actual reality am a broke guy without a penny lining the enclave of my pocket, I was the usual sort you would see plying the street of Lagos looking for small change or pennies to feed with.

It was a Monday morning and I got a call from a friend who is based down at Warri, he told me to come to Warri and I should bring my resume along, that there might actually be a job opening for me in a firm as a low end clerk of some sort and that the firm in question wasn't far from his place of work. You should have seen me when he conveyed d news to me, I became wobbly like a jellyfish and just danced around.

I tidied myself up, got dressed and headed straight to the road side were it was sure I would get a cheap bus, the sort we broke lads do call "sole" or one chance, cheap, rickety and amazingly fast and less I forget they are also amazingly risky if you don't know your way around them.

I got one and within some hours I was in Warri, since I Myself be confirm Lasgidi chap I don expect say Warri go be small fry for me.

I was well dressed, wore my best shirt and a trimmed edge tie and the best Versace (imitation) pant have got in my wardrobe, I just had to make a good first impression to the company, but with the way I take dress, me myself don forget say na low end clerk job i dey go for, but all the same a sound first impression should be sought after and na wetin I do be that.

I also wore (wait sef but how person go wear perfume walahi oyinbo people sef get problem) a heavy scented banila cologne to top it and a set of brown loafers which i had just gotten for employment instances such as this from the ever busy Katangora market and na chikini money i buy am. You'll be surprised at what that rowdy market has to offer, market wey fit turn slum chaps to apparel celebrity. Super Kantagora...I hail oh!

I took a cab and headed to where I was to drop my resume, the cab man seeing that i am a power dresser mistook me for a rich lad whose car had just broken down and needed a cab to ease the pain of being scorched by the sun. To spoil the matter, me sef kan sit down for the back of the yeye Warri cab as if na me own the ride.

He told me he would take me there at the rate of five hundred naira but I had to beat it down to three hundred and fifty naira because that was the last amount I was having on me. He agreed with the the bargain probably thinking that I've extended all my money on my wrecked up car and I needed to go grab some more at my house.

As I stepped into the cab I just slept off, I really didn't know what came over me or ontop of me but I sure enjoyed the short nap cuz I drooled on my T.M Lebin (instead of Lewin, that's how it was spelt out on my shirt) and within minutes of me waking up I was in a building half way being completed with mask men surrounding me, some even stood untop of me as if they were expecting some sort of blow job from me.

It was obvious, these guys were kidnappers but they just took the wrong victim, I just shook my head in pity for them sey den don carry pass their strength today. They inquired the company i worked for and other details about my sorry ass. I tried telling them I was no good to them but they insisted I say the truth or else I would be seriously dealth with, they started brandishing their horse whips and pankere, na then i know sey no be joke at all ooo. In order to avoid more whipping and lashing I had to concoct a lie that I worked with Chevron, which is an oil exploration company. You should have seen the glow on their faces, not knowing that I lied to avoid being dealt with and this is where the suspense comes in, sensing that I'm a top notch Executive Officer at Chevron they thought it wise to pamper and caress me.

I ate arrays of meals and drank assorted wines. I took Moet wey I never take for my life before, na then i realize say getting kidnapped na good thing for some of us ooo.

I was moved from the uncompleted hide out and tucked in a flat, they contacted my company and requested for a ransom but instead the company said they don't have anybody of that sort on their payroll, at this point they came to the realization that they took the wrong guy.....e never finish oh...stay glued for more.

Oya, drop your comments and don't forget to SHARE oooo.

Written by: OLADEJO MAYOWA MOSHOOD {HYPERGIG}
Ff him on twitter - @lilemir

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