This Write-up by Lord eBay Will Surely Get You Thinking - LET'S ASK THEM! | @ebayism

Back at secondary school, I fell in the category of the averagely brilliant students. I was one of those students who would always be neat, gentle, punctual and obedient to teachers. We were the ones who would wake at night to read our books so that red ink wouldn't appear much in our report cards, and we did love girls, dreamt about them every night, talked about which one individual liked but we could never summon the confidence to confess it. Some of us who found the courage to express our love were laughed at and turned to objects of jokes in the school. We were the brilliant students but girls didn't like us. There were those ones who were always sitting at the back, the thugs, coming to school with weapons and scarfs around their heads; girls loved them.

If you weren't a tout or a football player in my secondary school, no girl would fall for you. So, people like Olatunji Sunday and his group of gurus won no damsel's heart because they had no heat, they could not write letter zero with a bike. That was where my philosophical attitude began. I thought a lot about it wondering why it was like that and I discovered that a girl could be decent, well behaved, coolheaded and all that, she would still choose exclusiveness over simplicity. If a guy is the type who appears to know fashion, irrespective of whether such fashion is culturally acceptable or not, she falls for him easily. Lord eBay wears no Versace, he's a no-no. Girls want to be worshipped and respected; they want to be the cynosure of all eyes, and they think appearance can bring such home, so, they would rather care about looking rich than think about being actually rich. They would rather be with a guy who looks rich but is not rich than be with a guy who looks casual but has all the potentials to be rich.

We have grown up now, the serious students have graduated from the university with First Class and Second Class Uppers and have become gentlemen like me in nice shirts and ties. The touts have also graduated with Second Class Lowers and Third Classes and have become those guys with ear rings, golden chains, expensive wristwatches, designer wears and sagging pants. We speak good English, they speak pidgin English. We watch CNN, Aljazeera and football at leisure times, they watch mainly football and MTV. We watch Game of Thrones and Pillars of the World, they watch Empire and drug films. We play Chess and Scrabble, they play Lotto and NairaBet. Our hobby is reading, their hobby is playing video games. We wear reading glasses, they wear fashion specs. We drink juices, they drink cocktails. Here we are, the differences are there but who do girls still like? Them of course.

The pant saggers woo girls like this: "Hey gurl, shey na shayo dey worry me ni abi you look truly this hot? If you no go mind, mae we go one eatery go reason your matter naw. Me I be one bad guy, I no too dey hold money for hand, I dey spend on hour glasses like you. See shape! See yansh! Oh my God!" And the girls would be like "Am blushing" and follow them.

But when we tell them: "Hi lady, may I have a bit of your time? I've been meaning to tell you that... that you're beautiful and I so much respect you. The way you coordinate yourself keeps everybody saluting your perfectness. Are you going to be free this weekend? We could, you know, go out to talk." The girl would smile, know that we're truly husband materials, but since we didn't mention money in our talks, would turn us down. She would only come back when the pant sagger has sexually exploited her to the point of moribund, when all the glories in her boobies have been squeezed to hell and she's been dumped.

If you fall to my category, you know what I'm saying is true. If your lifestyle is not about swags and appearance, you're only gonna be taken seriously by Sister Theresa and Jelila omo ìyá olóòlè, not Linda, Bela, Tolani and Amaka, unless of course you're already employed and getting good pay.

Ladies, what's our offence? Gentlemen, let's ask them.

-Lord eBay (and his random ruminations, 2017)
eBayism School of Thought
Ff on IG: @lordebay  |  Twitter: @ebayism
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