WARRI PALAVA: You Go Laff Tire - EPISODE 3 [BY: HYPERGIG]

You missed previous episodes? Oya, see the links ----->>> HERE!

Welcome to the 3rd episode.

Now I'm a destitute chap with no shed above my bald head. Come see as sun dey beat me, I was scorched up to the point wey be sey my bald head dey reflect and retract light back to the atmosphere, I suffer no be small in fact the suffering na ad infinitum cuz it seems it would never end.

Warri na one hi tech city filled up to the brim with brainy people, the peeps there smart die in fact over smartness dey worry dem and they showed me pepper.

Have been wandering about for three days and it sure seems like three years to me, with my fingers wrapped around one of those salted and long Warri bread and a sachet of pure water. I was set to conquer the whole of the city until I find the spot were I was taken from, my pair of loafers were already responding to the sufferings being inflicted upon them, but the shoes hadn't seen anything yet cuz Warri still has a lot to offer.

The bread wey I think say go sustain me till I find the spot wey dem take kidnap me no reach one hour before e finish and I was starting to feel the pangs of hunger. Left with no option I decided to make use of one of my various pranks, though am a school drop out and i wasn't really fluent in English, so the bit and pieces of English wey I Sabi na through thorough and serious cramming, the type of cramming wey be sey if I utter the words dem out I no expect make d person wey I dey talk to reply cuz the oyinbo go shock am and he/she would just dole out my request without further ado.

In getting myself out of the hunger puddle i was in, I decided to make use of the above prank since it has always worked for me back in Lagos, I was quite sure it was gonna work here in Warri also cuz I hear sey Warri people no sabi oyinbo at all.

I prepped my mouth up for the task at hand and swallowed some saliva down my throat, my first victim was a man decked in a multi coloured suit abi na coat I go call am, cuz he was looking all drooly in it. And the conversation that ensued between us goes thus:
Me: "Sir, I'm presently in a state of abject financial meltdown, I'm from the city of Lagos but am stranded in Warri I was hoping you could be of help, financial help I mean."
For my mind I don think sey I don nail the man hard like that, sey e go dey confused with my oyinbo and just help out. Remember sey na wetin I cram I pour down for the man and I don expect sey e no go fit reply cuz he would be drowned in the euphoria and aura of my oyinbo, but the man replied and na there yawa gas oh!
Mr suit: "You are so full of pranks and quite appalling. Take a graceful gaze at me, do I look like someone u can pull a fast one on?"

I was dazed, all because I never expected him to reply and I never thought he was learned and well versed in the white man's tongue, remember sey I talk say d bits and pieces of Englsh wey I sabi na through cramming, so I can't really converse with people using oyinbo. Instead I just told the man:
Me - "OGA ABEG NO VEX I THINK SAY U BE PERSON WEY I SABI."

Once more my subconscious uttered these cruel sentences to itself - I DON DIE. So Warri go be my geographical enclave. Stay glued for more, peeps.

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Written by: OLADEJO MAYOWA MOSHOOD {HYPERGIG}
Ff him on twitter - @lilemir

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