WARRI PALAVA: You Go Laff Tire - EPISODE 14 [BY: HYPERGIG]

So guyz, after a day of vigorous work at our respective offices, it is nice of me to continue your favorite comedy story. Read the previous episodes ----->>> HERE.

Welcome to the 14th episode:

Life has been a bitch so far, it has been cruel and far from pleasant so I tend to contend with the pile of shit that life extends to me.

My exodus from Lagos to Warri was anchored by my desperate search for a greener pasture, but it seems no matter were you intend to elope to in Nigeria the situation remains the same. I hate this God forsaken nation for it seems things don't just work out with us as a nation. After much thinking I decided to take a stroll down to the cemetery cuz na there sure pass for me to sleep.

The last time I ventured out and slept under a bridge I know wetin my eyes see, they raid my body and took all my clothes, that day be like film trick, wallahi! But now I don wise up. Grave yard abi shey na cemetery silent ooo and it's really peaceful and tranquil, no disturbances in fact who go disturb u sef after all dead men don't talk or walk, dey just lay in the confines of their coffins abi na casket and snore till they get to heaven.

I chose a nice spot to sleep on, the slab or tomb or wetin dey dey call am wey I sleep on sef was the best in the graveyard, it was made of polished marbles and all those shine shine stone, in fact the man in that grave was even given an A list preferential treatment after death; flowers were placed on all sides of his grave, na wa ooo nd I dey here dey WALL0W in abject poverty and misery.

I don doze off for were I sleep, in fact DOZE na understatement coz I don die (not die as in die gan gan) but die as in sleep, una don grab abi? I was fast asleep and then I could hear footsteps trudging up and down, inside grave yard dead people dey waka, I thought this only happens in Nollywood films abi Yoruba films but in this case it was for real. Na then I know say I don die true true.

A recall of fela's song popped up in my head (the zombie track), I'm quite sure you are familiar with that track where he sang ZOMBIE OH ZOMBIE, because the song correlated with the present trauma I was faced with, I became intensely alarmed and my heart beat paced at an unfit rate, shey na like this I go kan die?

I started chanting out different bible verses and ranting in unknown tongues. With all hope lost and nothing else to live for. I just had to accept the cruel faith that i was gonna die that night, the noise from the grave yard was down a notch by now but I could still hear the creaking footsteps of the dead. Cold chill pervaded my entire body and I became wobbly. With my fingers clasped together I began offering prayers to the Almighty to grant me eternal heaven cuz I know deep down that I'm not a candidate for one but I still had to beg God for it. The footsteps were now threading towards where I was, by then I had peed on my pants and the residue of the pee were trickling down. OH LORD SAVE YOUR HUMBLE PIKIN!

The voices I heard earlier became evident again and this time around both voices ensued in some sort of negotiation, they were both arguing cuz from the pitch of their voice it seemed they were in a tussle or so, na then I know sey dis one dem be human beings and not zombies.

Out of anger I just sprung out from were I had hidden to dish out a piece of my mind to them, I wanted to whip lash them with words cuz they had scared the hell out of me, but as I jump out from were I hide na so the two men wey dey argue pick race, they probably thought I was a ghost, I just stood there amazed, so after all they were men and not ghosts I went back to my nap and before it was five am on the dot I had to bid the grave yard farewell and I proceeded forth into the city, as usual hunger grab me and I just dey drag my feet about, na the bolly and epa wey I don chop since last night still dey my belle, hunger change the way I dey walk e kan be like say I dey waka with swag, you sabi all those hunger imposed swag wey go make you bend one shoulder. After I don waka like half a mile or so, I became overly exhausted and lagged out, so I decided to sit down on the bare floor to catch my breath, from where I was seated I could see a small crowd and it seemed there was a ruffle or so going on in the crowd, I moved in towards the crowd and inquired from another onlooker what was going on, he said the woman at the center of the crowd misplaced her wallet abi na purse and so people are helping her look for it, I hissed and turned back coz I actually thought they were giving out free food samples to taste from. As I turn sey make I dey go na so I step on the wallet wey all of them they look for. Since I had a flat and enormous feet I tried covering the wallet well with my feet so the onlookers wouldn't catch a glimpse of it, GOD don butter my bread but he kan remain how I go pick the wallet from the floor, if I bend down to pick it I might tick the woman and onlookers off and they will know I've seen the wallet and I sure don't want that to happen, so I stayed put and glued on that fixed spot where the wallet was with my feet firmly placed on it and shielding it from prying eyes.

By now the sun was up and was scorching me badly but I was determined not to move an inch, I had spent almost two hours on that fixed spot and I was praying that the onlookers and the woman who had lost the wallet would just go away and accept that the wallet was gone for good but mba they no leave at all oooo. They were still searching for the damned wallet.

...to be continued!

Stay glued for more and please drop your comments.

Written by: OLADEJO MAYOWA MOSHOOD {HYPERGIG}
Ff him on twitter - @lilemir

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