WARRI PALAVA: You Go Laff Tire - EPISODE 21. [BY HYPERGIG]

Make I no waste una time at all. Incase you missed previous episodes, see them ---->>> HERE.

Welcome to the 21st episode:

Since Warri don tire me I just thought to myself na death sure pass ooo, I no fit take in all this pain and suffering again, so I decided to borrow a gun from a rather razz and low life friend of mine to kill my miserable self with, but inside the gun na only one bullet dey inside the gun and to think that I plan on using it on myself saddens me.

Life has dealt me a strong blow and I yearn to put an end to it, why should I continue to live when i have nothing to live for, no one to render my love to and vice versa, and even no money to spend, shingbai no dey my hand, Warri don sama me big time, but I kan think am again sey to die by bullet no easy ooo if I no die instantly e go bad ooo, I no wan die by gun at all oooo e go better make I look for another way and that aside am not a big fan of guns.

A knot around my strained neck seems fair than a bullet, I've always hated guns so I think I will opt for a rope around my neck...I go just place chair under tree and just strung myself up to the tree so e go be death by hanging like that at leastvI sabi as dem dey do am, all thanks to the pile of Nollywood movies I watch. But make una wait oooo, the groans and yelps from a knot abi na rope I go call am isn't fair either if I no go die instantly and the pain go too much oooo, so am doing away with the idea of hanging myself.

Should I just take a plunge into the lagoon but I heard in a documentary that drowning isn't a good way to go and the lagoon isn't a child play either no be sere sere, and I no even like water at all especially one as large and vast as the lagoon, what if shark or whale swallow me while still drowning? That one go bad ooo, so I don't think I wanna die via the lagoon.

I don sabi how I go take die, I will just jump in front of a moving train but wait ooo train go just grind me and there will be nothing to scoop up from the trail track at all, that one too bad. How I go allow train grind me, at least if I wan die make I do am in a way wey be sey dem go see my dead body carry....mba I no like train.

I don tire jor, in fact I no wan commit suicide again, I think sey suicide easy ni but wallahi e no easy at all, I think I will wait for nature to take it course on me in other words I will wait for God's appointed time, sebi a death by natural means is still considered as death right? Guess I just have to wait till it happens.

Most suicide devotees wey me I sabi no dey hesitate at all if dem wan kill themselves ooo but my own case dey different pata pata, I wan kill myself but I no get the liver to do so, na then I know sey I dey utterly useless even to take my own life I no fit do, I no get usefulness at all.

A friend told me to part ways with my weary and sore past, he urged me to start afresh, he got me this thing they call JAMB and even enrolled me under a tutor but with all the book wey the teacher abi na tutor dey hammer me nothing gree enter my head. Initially I think sey na the old skool hair wey dey my head no dey let the book enter so I had it all shaved off leaving me with skodo or jordan as you guyz might know it.

With my completely bald head I was totally convinced that I was gonna learn a lot cuz there would be nothing to stop the book from entering my head now, I even lubricated my bald head with vegetable oil so my shine shine head go dey reflect book wella all the time and moreover na hair cream I for use for the lubrication but money no dey to buy hair cream so I had to improvise and make do with ororo.

Armed with a pen and a hefty note book I went to meet my tutor who was patiently waiting for me, seeing that I was completely bald and loaded with learning materials he seemed pleased with me, the first subject we did was government and I really enjoyed the lesson though most of the times I no grab and I no understand wetin the tutor dey sey but I just dey go with the flow.

Now it was time for mathematics, and me I hate am die but I still gatz go with the flow cuz if not na die be that and my future was at stake as well, the tutor first started with how Y and X no dey greevsee each other for face, the tutor even emphasized this by not placing X and Y beside each other on d chalk board. Shey na so X and Y hate themselves reach? The tutor went on and on about this two silly characters but me I don dey doze off small small.

Na so maths make life tire me ooo, the tutor kept rambling about X and Y and it got to a point that I had to tell the tutor to shut up that I had known enough about X and Y to last me for a life time. JAMB abi shey na UTME una dey call am was a week ahead, before then a friend urged me to visit one Babalawo, the Baba in turn instructed me to bring just one vital item that I was gonna use for the exam so I brought my BIRO, he said he was gonna help me reinforce my BIRO with supernatural intelligence so I go fit pass the exam without a glitch and this he did.

It was time for the exam and there I was in the exam hall getting set for the useless exam and I was of the mind set that I was gonna ace the exam, the question was first brought to me and then the answer sheet abi na OMR sheet den dey call am, na then I know sey I don enter wee, I don die oooo, which kind exam be this wey be say na pencil we go use all through. Na so I call the invigilator and I tell am sey me I no wan shade my answers sey I wan use biro write am down ni oooo but instead he gave a short burst of laughter and almost rolled on d floor.

Na then I know sey the Babalawo don kill me, how the useless Babalawo no go know sey na pencil dem dey use for JAMB, the useless man just crashed my hope completely with nothing left to do. I just had to fix my stare into empty air as if I dey look for imaginary expo to drop from the air.

...to be continued!

Stay glued for more and please drop your comments.

Written by: OLADEJO MAYOWA MOSHOOD {HYPERGIG}
Ff him on twitter - @lilemir

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